I Was Already a Leader. Ten Years of Refusing to Believe It — and What I'm Finally Doing Differently

This project is established for your site's benefit. Although I am leading this project, the cost can't be charged to my cost centre. I winced when this simple statement wouldn't come out of my mouth coherently. It was the first time I had been involved in budgets and AOPs, and I couldn't convince the stakeholders in the room to budget for the program. The expectations that I had put on myself to be able to run a project all on my own demanded that I be fluent in such negotiations, and my whole body hated conflicts, let alone dealing with and managing them. This fumbling behaviour didn't sprout from nowhere. Years and years of self-image projection issues, lack of support and confidence from parents, and not being financially stable all led to such moments and feelings - crippling anxiety, fear of failure, fear of judgement, and fear of confrontation. It almost sounds silly, bordering on delusion, to be able to have so much stress with such bland moments of corporate life. But all of these disproportionate beliefs led to certain assumptions I carried with me throughout my corporate life.

In this post:

• what I got wrong about titles.
• what a budget conversation taught me about influence.
• the mindset shifts that are helping me lead without waiting for permission.

The Assumptions and the Consequences

I always assumed I couldn't lead or influence without a senior title. Once I reach so-and-so level, I told myself, I'll be better positioned to influence and drive things. Until then, I just have to be humble and pleading. I cannot sound too bossy.

Every meeting, every new territory was uncomfortable. I was placed in a leadership-adjacent role quite early in my career. I was ambitious, but I was also incredibly lucky to get that visibility so early on. But it came with consequences. In my mind, I was not ready. I didn't feel like a leader. I constantly felt like an impostor, with a salary that never matched the stress I was carrying.

I kept reminding myself that it was a practice run for the future. Let me make mistakes, learn and unlearn. My confidence was badly hurt; my voice shook when I had to say simple things to the stakeholders. My mind was carrying the gap between my title and theirs. And it showed in my voice. No matter how many times such meetings or conversations happened, I couldn't bring myself out of the confidence coma.

Being conscious of my title all the time brought with it a fragility I now loathe. Whoever came up with the quote "Fake it till you make it" apparently did not meet me. I let my vulnerabilities open the door to exploitation - letting someone take credit for my work, or trusting a colleague only to spill everything out, weaknesses included, for it to be weaponised later.

Every single time I got a new boss, I would tell myself - this time it's going to be different. But it would always end the same way as before - avoiding acting like a leader. My body was tired of carrying the ache of pretending to be brave, my mind constantly pulled in two directions. Did I really want to become a leader? Could I live up to everyone's expectations? What if people judged me and talked behind my back? I cared way too much about the things that never mattered. On the other hand, I knew that the higher I climbed, the better the pay would be - and the pay would solve a lot of things.

The Turning Point

But in the middle of this world-class dilemma, it never once occurred to me that I might already be a leader in some capacity. Instead, I would ask my superiors to teach me how to be a leader — as if I were very new to this. But it was a wrong statement. If I wasn't already a leader, how was I even able to speak with the higher-ranking stakeholders? Who am I fooling here?

The plot twist came when even the mumbling conversation was listened to and acted upon eventually. The budget I needed for the project to run got split between two different leaders. That let everyone breathe and stop arguing— with me as the referee I had never agreed to become. And when the project kicked off, I started noticing how every stakeholder, every team, was waiting on my response because they had already considered me to be a leader in the field.

This helped me realise something I should have seen a decade earlier:

Titles are an illusion. They exist in companies for maintaining order and flow. As long as you can speak with clarity about what is needed, without beating around the bush, a leader is born. If someone behaves with you in a belittling manner, it does not reflect on your capabilities as a leader. It reflects the insecurity or the fear that the person may carry of insubordination.

What Is Helping Me Change My Mindset

Doing the right thing, no matter how uncomfortable it becomes. Acknowledging that even if a project fails to get delivered, it's okay. If I am doing everything in my power to make something work and it still fails due to external circumstances, that is okay. I tell this to myself every time I face a new set of challenges in my work. Record and note everything you have done, so that later, no one can point fingers at you for not doing your job.

Never come across to your seniors or peers as someone who is still trying to be a leader or does not know where to start. There is a right place for this: mentorship programs. Reveal there what you want to learn - how to become an effective communicator or anything else you are working on.

Own your work, your tasks. Be extremely good at it but also smart about how much of your work you reveal, and to whom. You will never know if your own manager is jealous of the visibility you get, while they are struggling. Pull back on giving the entire backstory or an explanation that only you know about a topic. It is not about creating dependency. Sometimes, showing consistent results and clarifying only on certain points you are asked for is far better than vomiting out every bit of your knowledge in front of someone who may then play politics behind your back and take the work from you.

For a long time, I thought I needed at least 15 years of experience to demonstrate leadership-level confidence. Now that I have 11 months left to complete 15 years, I realise that no matter how many years you have under your belt, you will still fumble through your words. You will still lack clarity in what you seek — if your mindset is still where it was in your rookie days: eager to prove your worth, waiting for validation from outside.

The question I'm still sitting with: if the title was never the thing granting me permission, whose permission was I actually waiting for?

If this helped you even in a teeny tiny way, you can support my writing with a coffee ☕. Completely optional.

Thanks for reading. See you in the margins.